Episode Transcript
Hello, everyone, and welcome to the spiritual American. My name is Dr. Ann O'Hare, and today we are going to talk about healing family wounds in safety. Before we get started, if you enjoy this content, please consider like sharing and subscribing. It helps us to reach more people. And also if you're sharing with your friends and family, that will help them as well. Healing family wounds in safety. It's a big topic. I think that we all have different levels of, let's say, hurt or concern related to family. I know some people that have a really good family life. Some of us have had challenging family experiences still, maybe. Maybe some relationships are working great and I feel close and open and trusting. Maybe some, I haven't spoken to people in a long time or maybe I I still have hard feelings and it's hard for me to even think about them in a positive way. So today we're going to talk about the importance of family. We're going to talk about how to begin to start the self care process, how to look at your own feelings related to your family and the situations that maybe you've experienced. And then a couple of other little tips, along the way, I'm going to tell a little bit about my story and then transforming our attitude to an attitude of service related to our family, which is kind of maybe a little bit different than maybe we thought about before. So the importance of family. Every culture has like ideas about family and I come from a Italian Irish cultural background, but I'm American, of course, and Italian Irish, Italian especially, family is very important. Maybe I could say that there's a lot of emotions with family, with the Italian background. People use the word passionate. You know, yelling, a lot of expressions, a lot of verbal communication. There's a lot of closeness that's available in, in Italian families and I'm using Italian as an example because there are groups of people, right? That look at family differently, maybe have different, you know, norms or social practices or family traditions and things like that. I'm just sharing what mine are. But I want to say that as a human being, I think, and as a spiritual being, with karma, right? We talk about karma in the other videos. When I'm in an interaction with people, I'm creating something with them. And with family, I think it's fair to say that family is the closest people on earth to us. Let's just start there. Whether we like it or not, whether it feels good or not, sometimes it's that they say blood is thicker than water, or, you know, you can't choose your family or you can't divorce your family or something like that. I know there's been a lot out there about. Um, no contact and things like that, like making space between you and your family. So before we talk about how to begin to heal, I want to say that everything I'm sharing is on a continuum. There are things that are going to be much more abusive, horrible, painful, traumatizing down to like a middle of the road, you know, I'm, I go for family occasions and it's okay, but I don't call them as friends too. You have people that are like best friends with their sisters and brothers and they get together and everybody gets along great. So I'm really talking to that middle ground because I feel that this, this podcast is really geared toward people who, whose life is pretty good, generally functioning, middle ground, but there are areas that maybe we want to improve. Um, and with family. I find that there's opportunity or situations where we hurt each other. And maybe we don't know why, maybe, you know, we hear the words expectations and we talked about expectations on another episode where I believe that expectations are okay. The problem with expectations is that we try to force others to adhere to them and we get upset when they don't happen. And so I don't think it's the expectation or the wish that's the problem. I think it's the fact that we have a hard time dealing with what's actually there. The first thing to, to acknowledge is that family relationships are important. Whatever we choose to do with them or wherever we are in the process, they are important because there's no one closer to us in our life as a human being than our family. So the first step in healing family wounds, and I would say wounds that you feel, pain that you feel in relation to your family, is to adopt an attitude of self care. And what do I mean by that? Now, you'll also notice on these podcasts that I don't, I'm not telling you what to do because each situation is different. So what I am going to do and what we are going to do is practice looking deeper into how we feel to get insights that will maybe move us towards. ideas about what to do. So the first idea that we want to bring up is this idea of self care. Now I'll share a little bit about myself. So for me, I grew up, like I said here in the United States, in the Northeast. And, um, my parents were educated and my sister and I were raised to be educated and self sufficient and so forth. And we're Gen Xers. So we grew up in the eighties, that kind of thing. So you get like a sense of like the timing, um, that we grew up. One of the things that I felt growing up is that I didn't feel And this is nobody's fault. This is just how I felt. I didn't feel like I was able to be myself fully. I felt like I had to adjust to other people's behavior or feelings or whatever. That was my coping of my childhood. That's how I dealt with it. So I changed and I kept changing the way I think and feel and act and so that I would get along with everyone and so that there wouldn't be, or, or I was thinking. how I can fix them. I hope I'm not alone in this. These are two of the main things that I experienced. One is that I would adjust myself to try to match them. And the other thing I would do is try to fix them. So I was judging them and also trying to stifle myself so that I wouldn't have any conflict with them. Because of that, there was a lot of pain growing up and I developed a personality, a kind of a personality, which now part of the spiritual, uh, process is to take a look at your own personality that you created and take a look at it in a way that's nonjudgmental, that's merciful and loving and with understanding and spiritual knowledge. So one of the things I had to do was I had to not blame anybody for how I felt. in my childhood, which I did. I, I don't blame anybody for how I felt or how I experienced it, but then how do I heal those feelings? So for many years, I was not comfortable around certain people in my family or anybody in my family. As a matter of fact, sometimes I don't feel comfortable around people. you know, and I want to say in general, but a lot of those old patterns will come up when I'm around people, different kinds of people, different situations and so forth. And what that does is it creates, it triggers this, this old way of dealing with life, which is either I'm, Not in touch with my own feelings, because I'm trying to adjust to whatever's going on, or I'm judging what's going on and I'm trying to control it. Now, both of those things cause pain and discomfort within me. I don't feel free. I don't feel happy. I'm not really listening to anyone. I'm not open to anyone. So actually we're talking about family wounds, but this could just be wounds with anybody, any relationship, right? So the first thing I need to do and the first thing I've done is I've adopted a, an attitude of self care. And what does that translate into? It translate into, it translates into, I need to create a space between myself and the, the trigger or the situation that brings up that response in me. So for me, it's, you know, when I'm with people, when I'm talking to people, you know, I would those things would get triggered and then after I would leave or even within I would feel frustrated or upset. So how do I create that space? Well, you can create it physically, you can create it verbally, you can create it emotionally, even financially. There's all kinds of like ways to kind of step back a little bit. Now, each situation is different and I'm talking about principles and the principle is that I need to give myself a chance. to understand what I'm actually going through. One of the things that I discovered is that I didn't really know what I felt most of the time I was very focused on what other people were doing, what was supposed to be done, right. You know, I, I'm hoping that you can all. relate to this, or some of you can relate to this. It's a very difficult way to live, where you don't feel, um, where I didn't feel happy in relationships. I always felt either overwhelmed and running, or I felt helpless because I, the person I was with wasn't giving me the positive feedback that I wanted or whatever. So there was no like feeling of self confidence that I'm here and I'm good and I'm not going to hurt anyone and I'm just being myself. So what I did and what I am continuing to do is continue to give myself some space. So one example is I, stop talking so much or stop sharing my life with others. Actually, as I'm sharing this, I'm thinking there's another principle out there. Um, what do they call that? When you're stoic, like the stoic principle, maybe some of you have heard of that. Like this idea of being unemotional doesn't mean that you're not being emotional fully, but, but you're being protective of your own emotions. So for instance, I don't need to share with everyone every aspect of what's going on in my life. I found just doing that was a huge help for me. The more I would share my life with others, the more I felt vulnerable. Uh, and also they don't know how important things are to me. Maybe they would say something that would, that I would feel sensitive about or whatever. If I'm not sharing it, then there's less of a chance that there would be some kind of a, you know, unfortunate misunderstanding or that somebody would say something and I would get my feelings hurt. So one, one thing that I did was I stopped sharing Um, everything about myself with everyone. That's one. Second thing is stop complaining. That's another thing. So stop complaining. What does that mean? Um, a lot of times, I don't know, I don't want to blame it on my culture or my family or anything, but I, I kind of learned somewhere that you could complain about things and get other people to complain with you. And somehow that was a way of connecting with others. Thanks. Bye. about how bad something is or how it shouldn't be that way. Or I mean, I'm, I'm hoping that you all can relate to this. Cause what I want to do is I want to tell the truth about some of these behaviors and how they feel inside. I'm not talking about family in particular, but. You can see how those behaviors would also put a strain on family relationships. If you have a relationship that's so close, right, your family is the closest relationship you have in this world. And if I'm complaining all the time, or if I'm acting needy, or if I'm acting controlling, or where are they gonna go? They can't divorce you. So, and where am I going to go? Right? So same, it goes back and forth, right? But we're, I'm only in control of myself. So self care pulling it back. I'm not complaining anymore. I'm not sharing every single aspect of my life anymore. Another thing I can do is stop asking for things because when I'm doing this, as I'm pulling back, I'm starting to get a sense of my own self respect, which is another thing. We have to get an attitude of self respect and respect for others. If I'm reacting all the time, it's very difficult for me to feel self respect or respect for others. So we need to pull it back. So right now I gave a bunch of examples. So complaining, sharing too much, um, you know, sharing my, uh, Being judgmental, that's another one, being judgmental and sharing it with others, like sharing with others how bad things are and feeling like that's a way to connect. Another thing, sometimes if someone asks me how I am now, I just say, I'm great and leave it at that. Or just say the word yes, or just say the word no. I think that all the talking and all the sharing, uh, created a lot of feeling of weakness. And also it's kind of overloading the other person. And if you think about within a family, if there's a constant overload, whether it's judgment or negativity or complaining or oversharing, burdening, that's a, that's a strain on the relationship. So what I have done is I have taken it upon myself to transform my relationships within my family by pulling back, doing what I just said, keeping it short, keeping, and also the other thing is. Getting in touch with what works for me. Because one of the things that I had done in the past is if somebody needs something, I would just do it and not ever take care of my own needs ever. So I would, you know, not eat or not sleep or not do my homework or not do my work work or something like that because somebody wanted something and I would be out there to do it. That's a very unhealthy thing. Um, I, there's, there's members of my family that are very good, good at this thing, like this personal boundaries thing. I had to learn it because I didn't have any personal boundaries or hardly any, but having personal boundaries, meaning that you can say to the person, no, thank you. I'm not able to do that, you know, but be genuine. This is the other thing. Be genuine about your boundaries that you're setting. Now in these boundaries and these self care things, anger has no place. I'm not blaming anyone. I'm really just trying to figure out where my own boundaries are in terms of giving and taking of energy. I think that's kind of the main principle of this is that within families, the giving and taking of energy is so intense and so close. It's very hard to escape. That kind of closeness. So if I just gently pull myself back, attitude of self care and begin to look at where I maybe can pull back, you'll know the areas where it's too much. They're the areas where it hurts or where I feel out of control or where I feel resentment or where I feel sad, you know, sometimes we feel sad about our relationships because they're not. fulfilling or they're not making us happy. One thing I can tell you in this process that I've experienced and one thing about the law of karma, like I, I promised you that I'd share with you tidbits of knowledge as we went through this, though the universe or whatever you want to say, we'll always give you an opportunity. Or another chance to make it right. So if you try to pull back and there's a reaction, or maybe you didn't do it right, or maybe you were a little angry, or maybe you were a little abrupt or something like that, when you were trying to set a boundary, don't worry. There's always going to be another opportunity to do it right. And as we reflect, and as I take care of my feelings, and as I practice these pullback, uh, techniques. Little by little, I'm going to gain my self respect. I'm going to learn what I need and how to ask for it or. Not ask, but how to express my own existence within that relationship. Yes, I'm here. And yes, this is what I can do. This is what I can't do. This is how I feel, you know, and just be like unapologetic. I remember one time I was sharing with someone that I had been, you know, holding back some information, which is weird because usually I would be telling everything, but I was trying to manage my boundaries. And the person said to me, well, why don't you just be yourself and say what it is that, you know, you are say what it is. I, I had to tell the person, you know, I'm working on it. Like, I'm working on it. I've seen a lot of videos out there about complex PTSD and all kinds of stuff and I'm not gonna do a psychological label here. I know that some of these symptoms and things that I'm talking about may sound like I'm doing psychology. I'm not looking at it from a psychological standpoint. We're actually going towards a spiritual standpoint, but the main issue, the main thing is that I'm taking full responsibility and I'm getting in touch with how I really feel, which is the last thing I'm going to share. Get in touch with my real feelings. So as we talked about in the karma episode, the red pill of karma is that I don't blame anybody else anymore for anything I experience. It's I'm looking at it myself. The self care attitude will help me get those boundaries going. I'll learn how to pull back my energy a little bit so that I can take care of myself. And then I need to be loving and caring to my own feelings. One of the other things that I struggle with is patience, right? So I'm about to tell you all that, you know, to have patience with yourself, that one listening to a 20 minute podcast is not going to be easy. You know, transform it all. But what I would wish to share is that if you have an attitude of self care, if you have a good wish, that you wish that your relationships with your family will be good and happy and you'll be free or whatever, and you give yourself room and time to manage your energy. Okay. Now there are situations, like I said, it's a continuum. There are situations where the end result might be that you don't talk to them or whatever, but you'll, you'll decide that. But there are middle ground situations that I'm here to tell you that I've been able to transform my relationships with my family. And now I'm able to be with them. Um, and be with them in a way there's, there's a couple of people that I'm still working with, still having some distance, but there are some close family members that I've really transformed and feel much, much better. It is possible to get your self respect back, to be able to respect them exactly the way they are, and to be able to get control over your energy comings and goings. I hope that has given you a you something to think about. I know that a lot of you are already working on these things. What I would hope is that you're able to drop the judgment, drop the anger, drop the frustration, and just take a step back. Look at how you feel, be responsible for it and play with those boundaries. See if, see if you can pull back enough that you can have some self care and make a difference in that area. So I'm going to leave it there. Remember the slogan for this podcast is heal, empower, and serve. So I talked about service there in the beginning, but the, Whenever I transform myself, it's service to those around me, especially family. Family are the closest, right? So as I get more calm, as I get more powerful and powerful in a good way, like a generous power, right? They benefit. So I'll leave it there. Until next time, take care.
