Episode Transcript
We Americans enjoy a wonderful and powerful way of life, but internally and in relationships, we may wish for better. Join me as we look beneath the surface and gain insights to transform every aspect of your life. My name is Dr. Ann O'Hare, and this is The Spiritual American. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Spiritual American. My name is Dr. Anne O'Hare and I'm your host. Today, we will be talking about finishing anger and maybe we're going to be thinking and talking about it in a way that you haven't heard before. We're definitely going to take a spiritual approach to this. Before we do that, please consider like sharing and subscribing. If you like this content and you're gaining benefit, please help us to reach new people and increase our community. Also, please consider sharing with your friends and family so they may benefit as well. So anger, anger is a big one, right? I tell this story a lot that when I started practicing Raj Yoga meditation, One of the very first experiences I had or results that I experienced was an anger completely left after like two weeks it was gone. Now that doesn't mean that frustration was totally gone or impatience was totally gone or irritability was totally gone but the anger feeling of like the actual being angry at something or feeling really frustrated that real high intensity angry feeling was gone completely left. after about two weeks. How did that happen? How could meditation and studying spiritual knowledge remove anger? So we're going to talk a little bit about that. We're first, we're going to start with what is anger. So I'm going to give a little bit of a definition. It's going to be a little bit of a description because anger isn't just you know, some transient feeling that comes and goes. It kind of takes hold of us, right? Takes hold of our mind, takes hold of our body, takes hold of our energy., it's a very all encompassing kind of experience. So it's more than just a feeling, like a mood or something. It actually takes over. And so I wrote here that it has a forceful nature. Anger is a forceful experience that we have. It's based in fear. Which we'll talk about how that works. It's directed outward, right? I'm angry because of something else. Or I'm angry at myself, but then I'm making myself wrong, and therefore, like, there's like two of me. One is blaming myself, and then there's the self that's wrong. So it's almost like in those moments, I'm, I've split myself in two, and I'm attacking myself. And actually, I didn't think about that when I was putting together this talk, but the anger towards the self, I think, is the worst disease of the mind that there is. And that's one, we'll do, we'll do, probably do an episode on that. I'll write that down. We'll do an episode on being angry at yourself because that is the most destructive mental state that we can be in. So, but back to regular anger, so, it's directed outward. You're blaming someone or something for the pain you're feeling. So I feel pain and I'm afraid and I'm mad at them. And so the anger comes and takes over. And now I want to stop the pain by stopping them being mad at them being frustrated with the situation. So this overtaking of this angry feeling is actually a way of resisting. what's happening and also not feeling my feelings about what's happening. I'm going to say that again. So anger comes in and it, it has me resisting what's happening. And while I'm resisting what's happening, I'm not able to feel the feelings that I'm having about what's happening. So sometimes people see anger as a protective thing, which I still don't think that. So I still, you can, I still think you can protect without being angry. You can be assertive and protect without being angry. You can be in control of yourself and when you're angry, you're not, we're not in control of ourselves when we're angry. Anger is like a force taking over, right? So it's resisting and it's also potentially destructive. because as the anger keeps growing and growing and the fear keeps growing and growing, it's like I have to destroy what's perceived as the cause of the pain that I'm feeling. So it's almost like it comes in to destroy the thing that, that we say is causing the pain, right? So I'm going to say that the whole anger experience is based on maybe more than this, but at least two wrong assumptions. a wrong foundation. So if you're listening to this and this is interesting and you really want to look at this for yourself, you might want to jot this down. So anger is a, like a force that takes over, right? When I'm having some kind of a reaction to something, I'm not able to face the feelings about it. And the forceful energy comes in, I'm blaming the external thing. for the pain and now it wants to resist and eventually wants to destroy in some way to stop it, right? To stop the pain. So there's a wrong foundation for anger. And I'm going to say that perhaps when the wrong foundation is there, that's what invites that angry force to come in. So what's the wrong foundation? There's two things that are wrong. One is that you're blaming someone else for how you feel. Blaming something else for how you feel. And if you've been watching the episodes or even if not, I'll tell you now that if you were really honest, I am really responsible for how I feel, even though I may be reacting to something externally, that external thing does not make me feel anything. And I'll give it and I'll prove it because you can have two people living in a household, like two kids growing up in a household, brother and sister or something like that. Same parents, same situation, same environment, and one remembers a situation one way and was not emotionally affected at all, and the other one was emotionally scarred for life and blames the situation for their pain. So if the situation could cause them to feel the pain, then both children would have had the same experience. And we know this, like even in life, right, you have one person that doesn't let anything bother them and another person is like reacting, right? So that must mean that I'm responsible for my own feelings. It must mean that the external world cannot make me feel something because then all of us would feel the same thing. So the one wrong assumption is that I'm consciously or unconsciously blaming something else for for the way I feel and I'm going to say right now you can short circuit anger like that by taking responsibility for your own feeling in the moment. if you can. That's the best way. You can defuse it right there. And I'll give an example. I shared this already, but we had a student that took the course and she took the karma class and karma is about like fixing some of these wrong assumptions, right? Or, or the spiritual knowledge is about fixing these wrong assumptions. And she took the karma class, which is about being responsible for your own feelings, being responsible. You know, nobody can actually make you feel anything. You're actually creating your own experience. And so she was having a fight with her husband. And in the middle of the fight, she realized that she was the one that had started the fight, that she was the one that was keeping it going, and that she was responsible for her own behavior and her own feelings. And as soon as that awareness came up, she stopped the fight. She apologized. She said, you know what, I'm not going to fight and I'm sorry, because I started this and I'm really sorry. So what happened there? All she did was shift her awareness and take responsibility for her feelings. Soon as she did that, I'm going to say the door of anger, slam shut. Cannot, there's no way. If I'm taking responsibility for my own feelings, how can I be angry with anyone else? Not really possible, right? So the first wrong foundation is that I'm blaming others for how I feel, or making them responsible or making the situation responsible for how I feel. I'm actually making myself powerless by doing that, right? I'm inviting that angry feeling. I'm inviting it. As soon as I become powerless, it's, there's a chance that it could come. The second wrong assumption or the wrong foundation that invites anger is that somehow I feel threatened to my survival. Like I'm afraid that something bad's going to happen or I feel desperate about the situation. Like I can relate this to a child, to being a child, I don't know if everybody felt this way. But when I was a child, it was especially a hopeless feeling when you did something wrong. And then my parents would be like, well, now you can't have your toy or now you can't have this and can't have that. You feel completely helpless at that moment. And you're crying and crying, crying. Like I want the thing. I'm so like, I, you can't make the connection between what you did and the fact that you can't get it. It's a very helpless, kind of a feeling. And I'm going to say that this same type of feeling comes through to our adult life. For instance, let's say I don't get the job that I applied for. And this happened to me. And I felt like I was so upset. It took me, I'm being honest here, took years to get over that because I really felt That I deserved it, that I was the right person, whatever. And because I didn't get it, it struck so deeply and I allowed it blaming it for my pain. I allowed it. And it felt like almost like I was, it almost destroyed me. Like it was a threat to my survival. What happened? We let emotional states make us feel so weakened and so destroyed inside. It's almost as if we're letting the emotions like kill us or make us feel like things are hopeless. That's another invitation for anger to come in. So blaming the outside and also taking it so emotionally deep, taking things so personally and reacting so deeply that I'm actually feeling like threatened. One thing that can happen after that is maybe you'll end up gossiping about the situation with others. And that is a way for you to feel like you're going to survive. Like if I get somebody else to talk to, then I can feel better about it. I hope you guys are picking up what I'm sharing here. Cause this is, we never talk about it like this, right? Like what's actually going on. Oh, I can talk about the situation. I can, they said this and they said this and isn't it terrible. They said this and isn't it horrible. And they're so bad. And they're so wrong. If you notice, I'm not talking about any of that, talking about how I feel inside and what brings on angry feelings. And I'm going to say, gossiping is a form of anger. It's like a passive form of anger. It's like, I feel so helpless that I didn't get the job, but now I'm going to talk bad about you so I can feel powerful. By talking bad about you, I can feel powerful. The form of anger, the form of resisting, it's a form of, you could say violence in a way, right? It's got a destructive kind of an energy to it. So gossiping is actually a form of anger because I feel hurt and I feel hopeless and now I'm going to talk to others and now I feel more powerful. We don't usually. are this honest, right? About it. So those are the wrong foundation. So what is the spiritual foundation? So what I have found is once you take on the spiritual foundation and you start meditating, the anger goes away so fast because you're basically closing the door to it. You're not going to let it take over anymore. So what's the spiritual foundation? Number one, you are responsible for your feelings. Nobody else or no situation is responsible for how you feel about it. That is something that needs to be tried and, and considered and worked on because we have a long history of blaming everybody for how we feel, right? But truthfully, it's my responsibility. My own feelings are my responsibility. So. The second one is, the second foundation, spiritual foundation is, you can feel your own feelings. You don't have to dismiss them. You don't have to avoid them. You don't have to bury them and try to come up with some kind of false self to fit the situation or all these other things that we do. It's okay to feel my feeling. It's okay. It's not going to destroy me. This is what I wrote here. Your feelings will not destroy you. I remember years ago, I went to therapy and I was talking about some family situation and I was feeling angry about it. Angry like, this is a different kind of anger, like boundary anger. Like let's say you don't take responsibility for something and somebody takes advantage of you or whatever. Getting angry at that time is actually you putting the force for good because you're forcing, you're bringing a forceful energy up to set a boundary. You don't want to destroy anything, you just want to bring yourself from a helplessness into a feeling of self power, right? So in the therapy, I was feeling angry. I was afraid to feel the anger. So I was afraid to feel my feeling like I, my own power or my own, holding the person accountable for what they did. Like, I didn't hold them accountable and I was afraid to. And she had to tell me, the therapist had to tell me, you're not going to die if you feel this feeling. And I really felt, I mean, I don't know how many of you were in that place, but at that time, feeling my own feelings felt dangerous. I was very much into avoiding and distracting and all, and things like that. But to actually feel it, let it be felt was a scary proposition. It's okay for us to feel our own feelings and it's okay. They are not going to destroy you. Another thing is in the spiritual foundation is you are eternal. So the soul is eternal. I, the eternal living consciousness, the soul, I'm eternal. I cannot die. The body dies. You know, the body's alive, the body comes and goes, changes age and goes through a process. But I, the soul, am the same and I don't die. I leave this body when it's time for me to go, but I don't die. So that's a little bit of a higher stretch. On one hand, you can see if I feel a feeling, I'm not going to be destroyed. That's one side. Another side is I really can't die anyway. Just a feeling. I'm not going to die. It's just, you know, I'm an eternal being. I'm not going to die. It's okay for me to feel this feeling. And then the other thing is you are capable of independence. Part of the reason that we feel these feelings and we're afraid of them and we get all caught up and we resist and everything else is because we're thinking that we need people, we get afraid if we don't feel comfortable, we get afraid if we don't get the right feedback that we want, and we talked in another episode about expectations and wishes and how to be honest in relationships, the, the episode on. Freedom in relationships. We talk about that, but if I don't feel free in the relationship, then I'm feeling very dependent in the relationship and dependency could show up as maybe I'm always talking to them. I'm always asking for advice on whatever, or maybe I'm controlling all the time and making them dependent on me. That's another whole idea. But. There is a possibility I am capable of being independent, meaning I can feel my own feelings. I can learn how to take care of myself and I can learn how to behave authentically with the premise that it's okay to feel my feelings. I can't really die. I'm a soul. and I can let somebody feel what they feel or let something happen and not feel destroyed. How does meditation, and spiritual practice finish anger? So like I shared that after a couple of weeks of practicing, the anger was gone. So how did that happen? So I'm going to say that it heals the wrong foundation. So when you learn, when I learned that I'm a soul, that I'm an eternal being and I sit in meditation and I start telling myself that I'm an eternal being, I am a soul. My original nature is peace. I am a loving, pure, powerful, benevolent, generous, wise, understanding, merciful soul. That's my original nature. That's who I am. When I tell myself that, I begin to heal those wrong foundations, like that I can die, other people are responsible for me. I start to heal those things. It's the second thing here, it allows for a new self view. So I'm not seeing myself as helpless. I'm not seeing myself as afraid. I'm not seeing myself is at the mercy of the circumstances, like would not getting the job. I really, it hit me very, very deeply, very, very deeply. Like I felt like my life was over. I mean, doesn't that sound kind of silly now, like as I'm saying it now, if I don't get a job that I feel like my life, my life was over, like I was so emotionally invested. in that outcome that when it didn't happen, I really felt emotionally destroyed. That was rough. I'm sure others can relate to this, but when we practice meditation, my emotional states, I don't get that invested anymore. My, my emotional investment begins to calm down a little bit. And I'm starting to consider myself to be peaceful. I'm peaceful. I'm a loving soul. I'm a generous soul. And I'm spending time experiencing that. In Raja Yoga meditation, we're not just like visualizing myself on a beach and relaxing. I'm actually creating a new self view inside. I am peaceful. I am powerful. I am pure. I am loving. I am eternal. Then the other thing that happens is that we're able to observe the mind, which is huge. As soon as I start being able to observe the mind, I'm proving to myself that the mind can't hurt me. The mind can't kill me. It's just a thought. It's just an emotion. I'm sharing it now. Each of these episodes are 20 minutes, but some of these things I'm sharing are absolutely revolutionary. Revolutionary. To be able to observe your own mind is revolutionary. Surviving my feelings, safety, feeling safe, beginning to feel safe, not only internally, but being able to create safety. experiences externally, being able to move away from people in situations that I don't feel safe, being able to cultivate new relationships or new environments that I feel safe, and then transformation. So the transformation is that I no longer see myself as a being who is at the mercy of the world. I'm beginning to feel independent and I'm beginning to know who I am, who I am as a peaceful, powerful, loving, benevolent soul. So can you see how if I'm working on that, where is anger there? Anger has no place. But again, it's not just the peaceful experience and it's also the understanding about the karma thing that I'm really not responsible for anybody else and nobody's responsible for me. So how can they be responsible for how I feel? That's something that needs to be worked on because we have a long history of blaming and making others responsible for our feelings. That's not to say that maybe situations don't trigger our feelings and that's okay to identify that and work on that, but ultimately the feelings are my responsibility, right? So the stronger I get and the more I'm able to feel my own feelings and be honest and be responsible and the more I'm working with these spiritual truths, the more the door closes and anger can't get in. And I'm here to tell you that I don't get angry anymore. I can't believe I'm saying that. It's like, I can tell you that I do not get angry anymore. It's amazing. Even frustration, impatient, I'm catching it. I know when it's coming, I see it coming. I'm like, nope, we're not going there. I'm peaceful. I'm going to use my knowledge. Everything is happening the way it's supposed to. They're just playing their part. I'm playing my part. I can feel my feelings. Even if I don't understand it fully, I can be with myself. I can observe. I can observe the mind. I know it's not going to kill me. You see how like all the doors are closing. There's no way anger is going to get in there. So I hope this has given you something to think about. The main takeaway points are that the reason that anger is there is because we're opening the door based on wrong assumptions. And the two main assumptions are that others or situations are responsible for my, for my feelings. And the second wrong assumption is that it's somehow a threat to me. Like a thought or a feeling is a threat to me, and it's not. So meditation helps us because it helps us to learn how to observe the mind. We understand who we really are. And when we practice that, we close the door to anger. So I'll leave it there for today. So remember our slogan is heal, empower, and serve. And as we're going through these episodes, you can see how it's like a process, right? I'm healing, My, my feelings, I'm empowering myself. I'm getting my dignity. I'm getting some confidence. I'm gaining some independence. And then naturally service happens after that. As we get better, everyone around us gets better. The world gets better. And then I also begin to get interested in sharing my own experiences with others to help them. So I'll leave it there. And thank you again for joining us. And until next time, take care. Um, uh,
