Episode Transcript
Hello, and welcome to the Spiritual American. My name is Dr. Ann O'Hare. I'm your host today. We are going to be talking about freedom in relationships. It's a big one, right? So we are going to talk about. different aspects of relationships, how they get set up, and also what we can do to make ourselves feel free within our relationships. And also others are free too. It has to be that way, right? Freedom for everyone. So first of all, um, Let's talk about the major pitfalls that we have in relationships and why that they're why they're there We most of us that are listening to this. I'm sure you've had some psychological background or psychology Education or experience so we've heard things like expectations judging others Things like that maybe lack of trust lack of integrity in the relationship, maybe there's infidelity or things like that. But let's talk about the main ones, the things like expectations and judgments. Let's talk about that because I think unless we're way off into these extremes like the infidelities and the things like that and the abuse and where we can be unhappy in a relationship that on the surface might look like this. is okay, right? But maybe I'm not happy. So let's look at those main things, the, the expectations and judgment. Why are they there? Sometimes I remember in psychology, they used to say, well, don't have any expectations. Well, good luck with that. I, how can you not have expectations? I think it's okay. Well, let's, let's talk about when I say, how can you not have expectations? Let's talk about why expectations are there. Okay. Expectations are based on some idea of the thing that we are holding that it should be. So if I expect the sun to rise, in the East. It's because I've experienced it that way. It's because I read about it. I learned about it in school. And so it's true for me. So it's reasonable for me to expect the sun to rise in the East. If the sun rose in the West tomorrow, I think the whole world would be flipping out right now. Maybe not flipping out, but we certainly would be surprised. And would you say, well, you shouldn't have had any expectation on the sun? No, I It's natural to create some kind of, we, we've used the word expectation so much in a negative way that it kind of, I hesitate to even use the word now, but let's say if something keeps happening over and over again, or if you think that it should be that way, that it is natural for you to want what you see to be that way too. It's only natural that that would be that way. So first, let's say that if I have expectations that they're not necessarily wrong, okay? They're mine. I feel that this is how it should be. Like let's say I feel that everyone should wash their dishes, you know, before when they finish their dishes, they should wash them and put them away. That's fine. So if I have that, if I have that, uh, standard, let's call standard, right? Maybe it's a standard too. I have a standard of behavior and this is what I expect. And so I do that, right? And let's say I'm the mother in the household and I say to everybody in the household, I want everybody to wash their dishes and put them away. And this is what I expect, right? We're going into the next topic, but let's just talk about the expectation first. Is there anything wrong with me saying I want the standard of washing the dishes and putting them away? No, there's nothing wrong with that, right? Is there something wrong with me getting annoyed and angry and yelling at somebody when they don't do their dishes? Well, maybe, right? So sometimes when we react to things not being the way we expect or would like, when we react negatively, so I'm yelling or I'm freaking out or I'm angry or whatever, it's not necessarily the expectation. It's the reaction I'm having to the fact that it's not the way I want it. Right? So sometimes people say, Oh, you know, don't have any expectations. We're going to, we're going to, I'm going to shift it a little bit in this conversation. I'm going to say that expectations are okay. Just for the moment. I'm going to say they're okay. Judgment. Judgment means that I am saying that something is right and wrong. In this case, I'm going to say that judgment is not needed in relationships. I don't need to judge myself or judge anybody else. I can just accept what is and deal with it as it is. Does that make sense? If I start judging, like if I say that's wrong, that's really bad, I'm kind of cutting myself off from that person and I'm cutting myself off from like a possibility of, which is going to be the next topic, negotiating something. Okay. Part of freedom in relationships. is that the relationship is safe and understood. There's an understanding by all parties. So there's a safety and a trust that everyone's living in. So let's say it's a, it's a couple, let's say it's a couple relationship, which a lot of us have, right? We have a spouse or boyfriend, girlfriend, something like that, significant other. And when we let somebody come that close to us, all of our expectations that we think things should be and maybe some judgments. But remember, I, I said in prior episodes, there's no judgment in spirituality. So there's no judgment of me. There's no judgment of you. We want to get past that idea of judgment because we want to get to the place where we can actually work within the relationship, right? So the expectations are okay. But with the next, um, topic that I want to talk about in relationship is relationship negotiation. That is where you express and explain, this is why, this is why I would like it to be this way. This is how I like it. And let the other person say, well, this is what I think, and this is how I like it. This is what dating is for, by the way, in a, in a way, right? Because we're getting a sense of what the other person likes and what their expectations are and how they look at life and things like that. Right? So let's say. that that negotiation was limited. Okay. And now I'm 15 years into a relationship and I got all these judgments and I'm kind of unhappy. I'm secretly unhappy and whatever. Is there anything I can do? Yes, there is. So we're going to talk about one thing that we can do is begin to express our thoughts, our needs and our point of view In a nonjudgmental, nonforceful way. So I wrote down here, honesty is the cure. So. honesty about how I really feel about something without judging or making myself wrong or them wrong or right. Nobody's wrong or right, right? It's just, you're just expressing yourself. So let's say I'll give you one from really from my, from my real life here. This is kind of silly, but these things can cause like reactions. The dryer, nobody cleans out the lint. This is so domestic, simple thing, but they don't clean out the lint thing. And nobody wants to do it and it's really aggravating, but because I feel my expectation and my feelings are that it's an important thing because if it keeps on filling up, there could be a fire, right? It's like a safety thing. It's a cleanliness thing. So I've mentioned it to the other people that are living in the household right now. And they don't seem to remember that much. Um, and then we had some company here last week, a couple of extra people. So it was like three or four extra people in the house and they were using the washer and dryer and I went to use it and it was jam packed with lint, the lint filter. And I was like, I said to the other person in the house. That's already here, not the new people, but I said, I really, I know I talk about this a lot, but I really would appreciate it if everyone would make an effort to clean out the lint thing, because. There was a lot of people here and there's a lot in here. I mean, I understand, but you know, I don't want there to be a fire. So I would really appreciate if everybody would make an effort to do that. So what did I just do there? Do I expect them to do it? No, I'm asking them to do it. I'm expressing my feelings about it. I have a reason. I'm giving my reason and then it's up to them. I mean, you can't control anybody in a relationship. All I can do is express my feelings about it. Now hopefully the other people in the relationship are at least going to listen to you and not treat you bad because you said anything. So let's hope that they're not going to treat you bad because you said something. So let's hope that the level is good there. But after you say it, then you can feel good that you expressed yourself. And that leads us to the beginning of that freedom. There's one other, there's one other, uh, category here that I want to talk about. No accounts. Don't have any accounts in relationship. And what do I mean by that? Sometimes we, like, keep a running tab. I did this, so why aren't you doing it? You know, we, we have this, like, Kind of I did five and now you should do five and that kind of thing. That is very destructive to relationships It's a very destructive way of being in a relationship. I had a friend once Another friend of a child in school, you know how some of you make friends with the family members of your kids, right? So, I made friends with this one lady and we were friends and everything and she was going through like a crisis with her family, her marriage or whatever. And I was there for her. I, you know, I really made time to be there for her and things like that. And she used to say to me, what can I do for you? What could I do for you? I said, there's no account. There's no account. Meaning, I'm being me and you're being you. There's no account. So I want to offer that as something you can play with. This, until the next time, some, some homework to play with. Play with the idea that expectations are not necessarily bad. They're just based on your own feelings and your own values and what you think is important. That's fine. Say it, express it, but then don't expect the others to have the same feeling about it as you. Don't expect there to be the same, but at least express it and also allow others to express it too. You know, they should be able to express their thoughts and feelings about it. The second thing is no judgment, right? No judgment. No, nothing right or wrong. There's no such thing as right and wrong in relationships. There's no such thing as judgment in spirituality. Honesty is the cure. So that means that I, if I'm just being honest, I'm relieving myself of that pressure. I'm not blaming anybody else for the way I feel. I'm not feeling, you know, helpless in the relationship or something's bad or unhappy, like silently unhappy. No, I'm expressing my feelings. And by the way, everyone, if you're boiling up, like if you were in the pressure cooker and you're boiling up in the house with all these things, I would not recommend like going right and start telling everybody what you what you think and feel about everything. Sit with yourself for a while. Get in touch with your feelings about things. Maybe write some stuff. If you're like at the boiling point, I would say journal for a while first. I feel strongly about this. I wish that it would be like this. I wish that it would be like that. At least tell, tell yourself, show yourself the truth about what's driving all of these. all of this upset. It's your own thoughts and feelings and your own values that is fueling it. So at least get in touch with that. And then little by little, you can start sharing it with the people in the house. The third thing is that relationship negotiation we were talking about. And what is that? That's exactly what I'm saying. I'm, if I'm expressing the way I feel and the way I would like it to be, I'm negotiating the relationship. I was talking about household things, right? But it can also be between the people. And I would recommend, um, And we could talk about relationships a little bit more, but hopefully that if you're in a relationship with someone, a close relationship with someone, you have some things in common, you have some common goals or some common, um, values. And I would suggest that focus on them. Use them, the ones that you have in common, as the foundation to build off of with this, with this kind of, the things that are annoying or the things that are bothering me. I'm trying to sort them out and now I'm going to express them to you and hopefully you'll respond in such a way that I can feel better about what I'm concerned about, right? And isn't that love anyway? Isn't that love? Like if you really love someone and they tell you they're concerned about something, wouldn't you naturally feel like, wow, I, I didn't know you felt that way and wow, I'm really going to try. You know, like you really, I think people are a lot more sensitive and loving than we think. I just think that we've been hiding and we've been reacting and we've been upset and maybe we don't know how to deal with their, our own feelings. And we're judging and that's really difficult for any relationship to bear. So little by little, write down your feelings about things. Get in touch with what you want and what you value and everything. And then when you're ready, when you feel like the, the temperature has gone down a little on the emotional side, then you can bring it up little by little and just say, listen, you know, guys, I. I, I know I've been complaining about the dishes and I know whatever and I, I can't make you do it, but I'm telling you that if you guys would do the dishes, that would make me really happy because it just makes me feel good when the dishes are done. It's just one of my things and it, and it would make me really happy if you guys would do it. You know, I, I would feel really great. And then when they do it, then feel great. It's like you're trying to get cooperation, which is another thing in relationships. There's freedom, but there's also cooperation. Like there's love, like I cooperating with you, whatever your feelings and values are, I'm cooperating with you and you're cooperating with me. Right. Then. The no accounts. This is big. Think about this one this week. Think about the no accounts. If you're doing something for someone, don't keep a tab. And if they're doing something for you, don't keep a tab. If they, and if they are worried, like I did this with a neighbor here, just briefly, um, I negotiated the relationship with that neighbor right away when I met her. I just said, listen, we don't, we don't go out much. We don't do much too much socializing, but I want you to know that I'm here. You know, if anything happens, I'm here and you know, we, and then, then of course I'm friendly, you know, we can, we text each other if there's a problem, whatever. But I, we kind of negotiated the relationship and I kind of initiated it based on what my needs are. And also to let her know that I don't really. like all those socializing stuff. This is just an example. It doesn't have to be, I'm not saying that not socializing is spiritual. I'm just saying that I, that's my preference, but other people, so this way she knows how I feel and our relationship is great. If something happens, I know she's there. So in the back of my mind, I know that I have a friend there, but I don't have to, which is the other part I was going to say, you don't have to be in each other's space all the time to maintain a relationship. Think about that a little bit in terms of friendship and stuff. Don't we sometimes think that we have to call or we have to do this or we have to do that? I'm not saying don't call. I'm saying, isn't it, is it possible that sometimes we are, we overload ourselves with, with, uh, obligations with relationships, right? It's not necessary. They can be negotiated to the point where everyone feels comfortable and there's no account. Just be honest about how you feel. Most of the time people will be happy when you're honest because then they know what they're dealing with, right? And then one other thing, two other, two other points. One other point is the attitude of not taking. So there was another podcast we were talking about the attitude of service and this is a little bit different than that. It's the attitude of not taking. I'm not taking anything from you. So don't ask for anything. I mean, if you need help, you need help, but don't ask like we don't want to burden. So this, the, the title of this podcast, this episode is freedom in relationships, freedom. We don't want to burden the relationship, right? I don't want to burden it by feeling like I have to talk every five minutes. I don't, I had to learn this. This is different because I grew up different. I grew up like we're talking to each other 24 seven. And if you don't talk to somebody, it's like something's wrong, something's wrong, something's wrong. Everybody's like, everybody's like in crisis mode all the time, like talking and worrying and whatever. I, I calm that down a lot, you know? So the attitude of not taking also means like, I'm not burdening, I'm not, I'm not, um, wasting people's time, let's say. because I think I have to to keep the relationship up. No, there's a naturalness that's available in relationships. Give it a chance. There's a chance to be natural in the relationship and happy that everyone can be satisfied and free. And then finally, faith and freedom. So what happens when you do this and you're in a relationship where There's, there's freedom then, then you have to have the faith to let it be good. Like sometimes we're so used to things not being good that when they are good, it's almost like I don't trust it or, you know, am I supposed to be doing something? Am I supposed to be maintaining this? Am I supposed to be saying something or doing something? So little by little, we start to realize that just being myself is enough. And everybody just wants to be with us anyway. Don't you just want to be with people? You don't really expect much from them. So we don't need to be, feel like we have to do too much either. Freedom and faith. You have faith that That just being yourself is enough and letting them be themselves is enough that when you do interact, you'll be able to cooperate. You'll be able to make it meaningful. You'll be able to have fun. And in my experience, I can tell you that this is true. Naturally, the fun will happen. The cooperation will happen. The happiness of being together will happen. Let the rest go. It doesn't need to be controlled. It doesn't need to be overwhelmed. And then the, so you have the faith. that just being myself is enough and the faith that all the things that I want from the relationship is going to happen, like, like I said, happiness and cooperation and things like that. And then there's the freedom, like you actually get to be yourself. So I hope this is something that you all can think about. Uh, once again, there's different levels of everything. You'll hear me say this over and over again. There's levels where it's really highly charged. If it's really highly charged or if there's abuse or something else going on or something really intense, this necessarily that I'm talking about right now. may not work directly, you may need other kinds of help first. Like maybe there needs to be more boundary setting. Maybe there needs to be, um, more negotiation. Maybe there needs to be help. Maybe there needs to be therapy or something like that before we get to this point. But I'm talking about this middle of the road. Everything is basically working, but I would like to improve the quality of my relationships and also the possibility of having freedom in them. So, Think about it this week and I'll leave it there. And so once again, our slogan is heal, empower, and serve. Thank you for listening. Take care.
