Episode Transcript
Hello, and welcome to the Spiritual American. I am Dr. Anne O'Hare, your host. Today we are going to talk about five steps to access your courage and learn how to authentically express yourself. Five steps to authentic self expression. Wonderful. So um, as usual, we are going to have a couple of definitions. We're going to talk about what's going on in the background. I'm going to go through the five steps and we're going to talk about what the benefits are and I'll probably share a couple of experiences. When I say five steps to accessing your courage or authentic self expression, that must mean that somehow we're not being authentic, right? Um, are there times where maybe my behavior is ruled by reactions or maybe memories of things that happened before? Maybe I'm not Maybe I feel dissatisfied or unsatisfied with my relationships, maybe at work or maybe even family or different things. Maybe I'm not satisfied. There's a lot of thoughts and reactions that are going on in my mind. So the five steps is all internal, has nothing to do with anything outside, although maybe you decide to do something, but we'll talk about that. But it's five internal steps that everybody, everyone can practice. that we can figure out where, what exactly is going on inside myself and make decisions and actions accordingly in any moment. So we'll start with the five steps. So the first step is introversion or looking at yourself, right? Introversion. So what does this look like? So generally when we are in a situation, let's say at work, work is a good example. So let's say, um, there's somebody at work that really annoys me. And let's say I, whenever I see that person, I start to feel uncomfortable. Let's say, or how about, let's say they got the promotion that I wanted to get or something like that. And maybe. I don't feel happy talking to them anymore. Like I feel resentful or I feel jealous or something like that. My, my feelings about them have changed so I don't feel happy and I don't feel comfortable. And so I want to take a look. So in the moment, by the way, these five steps happen in the moment. So in the moment, number one, introspection, I'm going to look at myself. And I'm going to look at how I feel apart from the situation. So let's say normally I would be blaming the other person, right? They're so smug, they're so arrogant, they don't deserve it. I'm much better. You know, usually that would be maybe kind of the thinking that's going on. That's really unfortunate thinking because it makes me very powerless and very unhappy, right? Right. Right. So let's say in that moment, I'm noticing that that's what I'm thinking. And I say, wow, I really don't feel good right now. So what we want to do is we want to get to the feeling, not the thoughts, get to the feelings under the thoughts. So if I'm having these thoughts, like I'm, I'm, you know, I, it should be me. Um, you know, I don't, they're so arrogant. So what am I feeling at that moment? I'm feeling upset. I'm feeling. maybe powerless, maybe scared, something like that. So I'm feeling that at the moment and that's what's going on. So I'm looking at myself now. I'm not blaming anybody else. I'm looking at my own self. That is the, I'm going to say that's the hardest step to do actually. Uh, in a few episodes, we're going to be doing an episode on karma and I highly recommend you guys, everyone look out for that episode cause we're going to get really to the heart of this with that in that episode. It's probably one of the most important episodes that we do. I believe it's number eight. So when we get to that, I really, you know, like I said, you really should all watch that one. But for this one, the hardest step is to take my attention out of the situation and put it back on my feelings. And the way I can do that is to remember that I'm trying to help myself. So in the moment, if I'm angry or upset or whatever, anger has a kind of a power to it. It makes us feel a little bit powerful in the moment, but it's not real power. It just makes me unhappy, right? Because I, it's like, you really can't be happy if you're like hating someone. If you're hating yourself or hating someone else, I can't be happy, right? So introspection is the first step in focusing on me with the attitude that I'm going to take care of these feelings now. I'm not going to do the cop out of blaming. I'm not going to do the going off in the anger or the jealousy or whatever, or even bringing someone else in and start talking to someone else that even makes it worse, right? So I'm going to take a look. I'm going to remove myself from the situation if I have to, by the way, in these five steps, you got it, you have to take care of yourself. Please take care of yourself. If the situation is too emotionally charged, you can remove yourself from the situation and do this thing. It doesn't have to be while you're in the heat of that circumstance. If it's very highly emotional, you can say, excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom or whatever and get out of there. So in this first step of introspection, or introversion and introspection. In this first step, you have to take care of yourself. Gauge how emotionally charged the situation is. If super, if it is super charged, then get out of the situation. You don't have to like torture yourself by staying in it, uh, in that moment. So that's the first step. So now I'm looking at my feelings and I'm saying, wow, I feel very upset right now and I'm going to take care of myself. Step two, discernment. So now I'm going to figure out why I'm upset, what's really going on. So I've turned my attention in, and now I'm going to lovingly look and see why I'm upset or what's going on. So I say to myself, wow, I'm really upset because I really wanted that job and I, it really hurts me that I didn't get it and it makes me feel bad and that's what's going on. So the discernment, you're kind of letting it talk, letting the hurt talk or letting the upset talk. You're allowing it to express itself so that you can see what's happening. That's discernment. You're kind of figuring out exactly how you feel apart from the thing. Like you're just talking from your own, your own perspective. Step three. is decision or deciding. I'm going to decide. So what am I going to decide in this moment? By the way, I've been through this. So I'm telling you, like, these are, these are examples. I, these are from my own experience, right? Cause I, there have been times where I felt really upset at work. Like I really felt like I deserved something, or I really felt like I should have gotten that or whatever. And it was very painful, very, very painful. So I'm looking at myself. I'm discerning that I'm hurt, that I have hurt feelings because I think I should have gotten it or whatever and I can't really make sense of why I didn't get it, but I didn't and now I feel really upset. And now as I'm discerning, I'm really now noticing and I'm also mad at that other person even though it's not that other person's fault. See, so right away I'm already starting to figure out that I don't need to be blaming them. It's my own feelings that I have to deal with, right? Step three is deciding. So what am I deciding? Well, I just decided something. I'm not going to blame the other person anymore. I just decided that thing. And then I'm going to decide maybe that I am not going to discuss it with anybody anymore. Maybe I was discussing it with other people. Maybe I'll stop discussing it. And maybe I'll try to, maybe I don't have to pretend like I'm happy, but I won't be negative anymore. How about that? That's a decision. So I don't want to be heard anymore. So I am deciding to do something about it. I'm not ready to be all happy go lucky yet because it's not about being inauthentic. We have to make, make the decision based on what's going to make us feel better without pushing us beyond, like, realness. There's no point in, like, saying, oh yeah, now I'm really happy for her and I wish her the best. Maybe I really don't feel that yet, but I certainly might be able to change it from, I don't have to blame her anymore, from, for my feelings. And then I could say, well, I'm not going to gossip about her anymore. You see how I'm already progressing. Like these decisions that I'm making now based on my own feelings are moving me in the right direction. Okay. So deciding, so I'm making these little decisions as I'm discerning and as I'm watching myself, I'm actually being able to decide, right? Step four, courage. So let's say I did this work inside myself and then the person comes up to me in the hallway and says, You know, I got the job, but I know you were really good too. And I just want to let you know that, uh, you know, I really appreciate you and I hope we can work together in the future. Let's say, so where does courage come in here? So maybe the call is for me to be gracious in that moment for me to actually have a generosity of heart in that moment toward that person and actually accept their offer of working together, like being cooperative. So the courage. would be that I'm willing to step out beyond what I felt before. So I'm willing to go beyond it. I'm willing to step, do something different and not only with my words and actions, but also with my attitude and energy. Like I'm literally going to shift it. I'm going to shift it from negative to positive to yes. Okay. Yes. I, I do want to now, I'm really getting in touch with my feeling. Yes, I actually do want to be cooperative. I actually am happy. Maybe I'm not happy that she got it. I probably won't say that, but I could say thank you for, thank you for your kind appreciation. And that's genuine, right? So, but it's courage because it's going from different from what it was before. But look how much better. Think about the situation in the beginning. Even if these four steps, only the first four, and look at how much better the situation is already, right? But why do you, why do we call it courage, that step? Because you have to be humble in that moment. That isn't the moment to let your ego come up and go crazy, right? The anger to come back and take your shot and whatever. Any of that's, I'm going to have to clean up later. And that's not the spiritual path. The spiritual path is that I want to reform my behavior. I want my behavior to be more positive, humble, cooperative, generous, authentic, nice, like I know I am nice, right? And powerful, like I have my dignity and my self respect. So we're in the courage and in that moment, maybe when she says that to me, we sometimes call that a test paper. Like, here's the test. Did you actually make a transformation? Well, here's the test. The person's talking to you. What are you going to do? So guess what? In that moment, I'm going to take a chance and I'm going to say, Thank you very much for, for acknowledging me. And yes, I, I am open to having a nice, uh, cooperative relationship moving forward. Authentic, truthful, future driven, not from the past. That's courage. That is courage. And then the fifth step, you may not be able to guess it, but the fifth step is letting go. Very, very important. And this is the one. that we have to get right because if we don't get this one right, we, we don't get to keep the benefit of what we just did. So what does it mean to let go? So after I have that conversation with that person at work, I can't turn around to my buddy now and say, Oh, she was this and she was that. I can't do that anymore. And I also don't want to think the old way. I don't want to be. So I have to kind of let go of all the past stuff. I have to let go of the ego. Like I shouldn't, after I have that conversation with her, then turn around to myself and like, you know, pat myself on the back and be like, look how forgiving I was. Look how great I was. Look how blah, blah, blah. Like, no. We don't want to start another ego now that we just got rid of one. We don't want to start creating another one. So letting go means that based on my own transformation, I looked at myself, I listened to myself, I made some decisions. I took a step of faith going past what I did before. into a new possibility. Now, letting go means I'm not going back. Number one. And number two, I'm not going to take ego from my what I just did, because guess what? Maybe I don't deserve to have ego because how much time did I spend being negative, thinking negative about her, blaming her, talking to her, talking about her with others. That was, you know, that's a, that's a pretty big thing. So for me to have ego after all of that isn't kind of appropriate, right? So humility here would be called for also. That I can be humble. Yeah, I made some mistakes. I, I, um I wasn't very generous and I was kind of hurt, but I, you know, I'm cleaning it up now and I'm not going to do that again. So it's the five steps of courage, but it's also, but the end result is a authentic self expression. Do not lie during this process. Don't force past what feels authentic. By the way, there's always a way to say things. nicely, appropriately in a moment and still be authentic to how you really feel. Just say a little bit less or say it a little bit different words. Like, like in that situation when she came up to where she would come up to me and say, you know, you were really great. Uh, you know, I hope there's no hard feelings, whatever. For me to say at that moment, maybe to say, Oh yeah, you're really great too. And blah, blah, blah. That might not be authentic, but like I said, I can be grateful and be gracious Thank you very much for your kind words. Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, I'm, I'm look, yes, we can, we can, I'm looking forward to working together to like try to stretch beyond the old way. So what is the benefit of doing these steps? Number one, I'm taking responsibility for myself. I'm not blaming anybody else. Number two, I'm actually trying to figure out what's, what I really feel and what's going on. I'm making changes and I'm going past what I did in the past. And I'm not taking ego credit for it. The, this spiritual practice, this five steps. There's actually eight steps, but the five steps that I'm talking about are the ones that help you save your energy. And what kind of energy? Dignity and self respect. I remember, uh, one time we were in class in one of our centers and we were talking about anger. And one of the students said, uh, well, how do you get rid of anger? And the teacher at the time said something like, well, you know, you just, you know, Just focus your meditation on this and you know, like, and that was fine. That was a good answer. And after the class, I went up to the other student and I said, you know, I, I really like that question that you asked about anger. And I said, I have an answer for that, that I use that maybe you might like. And he said, yeah. And I said, the thing that keeps me from getting angry now is that I want to keep my dignity. I don't want to lose my dignity. Okay. Okay. So the last little bit I'll leave you with here is that ultimately, when I'm gossiping, I don't have my self respect. It doesn't feel good. When I'm blaming something else for myself, I don't feel good and I don't have my self respect. If I'm behaving in a way that's overly reactive or emotional or angry or something like that, even though it might be justified at some level, I don't feel happy and I don't have my self respect. A lot of times we have to apologize for things over and over again. Sometimes we might say to people, well, you know, I don't believe that you're sorry, cause you keep doing it. Right. Same thing with us, you know, not with judgment, but just the fact, if I keep doing it, that means I'm not. getting better, right? So we want to keep our dignity. I want to keep my self respect, but I have to take care of myself. I have to take care of my feelings to see what's actually going on. I have to care, be my own friend and work through it. Then I can have the courage to make decisions and make changes and then move past it and actually into an authentic, generous relationship. open self expression. So I'll leave it there. I hope that you enjoyed this, uh, this podcast. I hope you took notes about the five steps. Try it. Give yourself that gift of self care in the moment and remember to take care of yourself. It's, it's really high emotional state, remove yourself and deal with it. You know, you don't have to stay in the torture to do it. You can get out. If it's not that charge, try to do it in the moment, but, uh, It's okay to get out if you have to take care of yourself. There's nothing wrong with that. So I'll leave it there. Thank you all. And remember our slogan for this podcast is heal, empower, and serve. Until next time, take care.
