Episode Transcript
We Americans enjoy a wonderful and powerful way of life, but internally and in relationships, we may wish for better. Join me as we look beneath the surface and gain insights to transform every aspect of your life. My name is Dr. Ann O'Hare, and this is The Spiritual American. Hello and welcome everyone. Welcome to the Spiritual American. My name is Dr. Anne O'Hare and I am your host. And today we are going to be talking about boundaries. If you notice the thumbnail said, I said, no, and I'm not sorry. So we're going to get into that today. Uh, go underneath the surface again and see what's going on. How do we, how do we make boundaries? How have we failed to make boundaries? What happens when we start making boundaries? And I'll share as usual, a little bit of my own personal experience and also a spiritual slant on this as well. So before we get started, remember, please like, share and subscribe. That helps very much to get this content out to others. And also you can share with friends and family to help them as well. So let's get started today. We're talking about boundaries now. First we can talk about what, what, what it was like before. So when, for instance, I had like no boundaries. So what did that look like? And as I'm sharing, you can take a look and see if these are some of the behaviors that you found yourself doing. Maybe apologizing a lot. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Also, saying yes to things when, and then maybe resenting it afterwards, saying yes to things when you don't really have the time or denying your own needs in order to say yes to things. In the last episode, we were talking about that. Um, you know, beginning to create those boundaries. Like when you're looking at relationships, especially with family, we're going to go a little deeper into that today about boundaries and how to say, no, maybe say no. And, um, I'm going to share my own experience. Um, I did share in the last episode that, and this has nothing to do with my family in particular, but somewhere along the line, I came up with a few personality traits. One of them was to be when I'm with people to try to please them and try to adjust to however they are. So it's like, I didn't have any self to assert, uh, it was always me reacting or responding to whatever I thought was going on with them. So that was one thing. The other thing was that I had a judgmental and controlling attitude. So if I saw that something was wrong, I would try to control it and change it and, and so forth. Even if it was other people, I would be trying to change and control them. But these kind of boundaries that we're talking about today actually require courage to do because it means you have to go against some of these patterns. In my case, it was people pleasing, saying, I'm sorry, not saying my needs, saying yes to things. Uh, even when I really. maybe shouldn't have based on my own responsibilities. And one other subtle thing, um, I never really took ownership or took, allowed myself to take pride in my own accomplishments. It's interesting as I'm, as I'm preparing for these episodes, one of the things that I'm committed to doing is to sharing the truth about what's going on. And it's a little sad in a way to think That's someone who worked as hard as me, and I'm sure many of you feel this way also. You worked very, very hard, whether it's for your family, for your education, for your career, for whatever your goals were in life, you worked very, very hard. And maybe if you're like me, you wouldn't give yourself credit or. I remember one time, I have a doctorate in, in nursing leadership. And I remember somebody said to me once, you, you have a doctorate and you act like you don't. And what is that all about? So I think if I boil it down to what is the issue with boundaries or not having boundaries, I think it boils down to self respect and dignity and self recognition, like giving myself credit for what I have done. It's interesting to think why I wouldn't want to do that. So we're going to go a little deeper here now. And as I'm sharing, I'm thinking why, and I think the reason. is fear, fear of maybe not being liked or being alone or something like that. And I remember one time I was working and one of the other symptoms you can have of this is that you don't hold other people accountable for what they do. Like other people do things wrong and you're just like blowing it off or you're not paying attention. Maybe you've seen this with parents with children that are misbehaving and they're not They're not correcting the kids or something like that. And it's very frustrating to the other adults around when the parent isn't taking care of the child. Same thing in adult world. If, if someone is not doing something right and you're letting them do it because you're not holding them accountable, that's also a problem. So one time at work, I remember One of the other nurses I was working with, we were in a team, and she was so frustrated with me. She, she was like, you never hold anyone accountable for anything. And when she said that to me, I was like, I, I really didn't understand what she meant. I, I guess I was living in so much emotional turmoil at that time that it was very hard for me to be very clear in those ways. I guess. So what we're talking about today is the beginning. If, if what I'm sharing sounds like you, whether it's a family relationships, whether it's work, whether it's relationship with your health, uh, your, your children, whatever, Um, if you find yourself being powerless for some reason, maybe not taking care of yourself, if you feel like you're people pleasing or you're over controlling or you're not taking credit for your own self or you're not able to get your needs met, you're not able to assert your own life or your own needs, or maybe even like I was, maybe you're not even taking credit for your own success. We're going to talk about today how to begin to try to start setting boundaries. So, we're going to give some examples, but one thing I'll mention with this, and you've heard me say this on other episodes, be patient, number one, but in this case, I, I often say start with the anthill in the backyard and not Mount Everest. Like don't try to tackle Mount Everest first with boundaries. Start with a small, something small that isn't very super close and isn't super emotionally charged. Mount Everest. So for instance, one, one boundary, I could say, maybe I, in the past I would stay up late, let's say, to be with, Family members or to watch TV or whatever, and maybe I will say to myself, okay, I need to get some sleep and now I'm going to go. And then if the, what, what would keep me up in the past would be like the desire to be with the person or the desire to keep the night going or something like that. Maybe. It's weird as I'm talking about this, it's always seems to be a desire to stay connected with something, whether it's people or within the relationship, like you don't want to let go. So we hold on and we keep saying, I keep saying, I'm sorry, I keep, you know, all this because I'm afraid, like afraid to let go. So one thing we can do is take something small and try. Here's another example. Let's say you are volunteering at the church or you're You're volunteering or you have a commitment to something that you usually do and people are depending on you, let's say, or you feel like people are depending on you, but you are completely overwhelmed now and you need to, you have no time for your family and like, it's out of balance. Like you're not, you have to make a change. One thing we can do is try to say no once. So in the thumbnail, it says, I said no, and I'm not sorry. So the idea is try it once. In the last episode, I talked about how to step back with your energy. So if I'm a big talker and over talking, like in this case, apologizing, making excuses, doing too much. So if I'm like that, One thing I can do is say no, and then don't say anything else. One good thing. This is a good example. I was at work one time, and the boss was asking for people to do overtime. Now there would be, sometimes it would be a feeling of guilt. Like, you know, you're, you feel guilty to say no. As a, as I'm looking at a camera right now, and I'm talking, but I'm hopeful that whoever's listening right now, can relate to what I'm saying. I'm speaking fast, but I'm, I'm hoping that you're getting the whole mindset of what I'm talking about. Kind of out of control, reactive, out of balance, way over extended, that kind of thing. So I was at work and the boss was asking for people to do overtime. So she said, and what can you do? Can you do overtime? And normally my desire to be the good girl or the good nurse or. getting good with the boss, or I think I should say yes, or I don't want to be seen as bad or lazy or whatever. And normally I would say yes or something like that. But this time I said, no, thank you. It was wild. Um, my boss was like, I think that was the best answer I ever heard to that question. What would I have done in the past? Maybe made excuses, kept talking, Oh, you know, I really want to, but nah, or maybe I would have said yes and then been miserable. This is the other thing. When we overextend ourselves and we don't have boundaries, we're not happy. I really don't think it's possible to be happy in life. When I'm not taking care of myself and when I'm not. in my self respect. I think one of the things that keeps us from making boundaries also is that we're afraid of what's going to happen when we make the boundary. So what will happen if I say no? What will happen? I remember in nursing, we have this thing, you know, nurses don't ever want to call in sick because, you know, you think the whole hospital is going to blow up if I don't show up there. It's kind of strange to think that way, isn't it? But maybe in your life, you can think, do you think like, If I'm not there to make dinner, it's not going to work. Or if I'm not there at work, it's going to fall apart or something like that. It's funny how we think we're so important and so essential in everything. Right. We keep getting driven in these areas. So, um, yeah, this idea of saying no, thank you to my boss. She was like blown away. I think I lost my train of thought there, but that's okay. Oh, what happens when you start changing? That's what I was going to say. So let's say you are doing this overextended type personality and everybody around you is used to you being like that. So everyone in your house is used to you doing the dishes, doing everything, doing the laundry, doing whatever. And then all of a sudden you say, you know what I need to not do, I need to take a little bit more rest or, and I'm not going to do this. They're going to see that you're not doing it anymore. Now, I would say generally speaking, if the relationships are good, that will be fine because the people are going to want you to take care of yourself and maybe you'll be able to express yourself properly and, and so forth, and it'll be fine. But sometimes when we set boundaries, if the relationship is maybe not so good. free, the person, the other people might be a little bit mad when you set boundaries. So in my life, there have been times where family members or close friends, I've been way overextended. And then when I started to pull back and say no, or get off the phone or not talk so much or whatever, their response is like, what's the matter? Are you okay? Are you okay? So when you start making, making boundaries and start saying no, and again, It's don't be sorry that you said no, just try because there's something which is hard to express, but there's something that you're going to experience going against that out of control energy and just saying no and not making excuses. It's like this feeling of self respect. is there. It's totally different than, I'm not talking about being angry when you say no, it's not anger. It's just, no, sorry, I can't do it. It's funny. Somebody said to me once, uh, you know, what, what do you, what do you think they're going to do to you? As long as you're not taking from anybody, why can't you say no? Why do we run ourselves down so much? Why do we overwhelm ourselves so much? One couple of last things. One thing is that when we start setting boundaries like this and saying no or getting off the phone or not speaking so much or maybe spending more time alone, you're going to find that you're going to have more energy. Might be scary at first, but there's this feeling of accomplishment also. There's a feeling of accomplishment before I mentioned that, you know, like having a doctorate and never taking response, never taking, uh, ownership of it or acting like I don't have it or something like that. I think that has to do with like this feeling of self respect. Like I wasn't feeling in my self respect because I was always overloaded. How can you feel happy or proud of yourself if you're overloaded? And the second thing is. this oversensitivity to what others are saying and doing. I'm not sure where I, where we pick this up, but this idea that, you know, I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to make anybody upset. I want to get along. I want, so I'm looking for a certain response from others. And if I don't see that response, I feel very upset and very uncomfortable and insecure inside. And that also makes me feel like no boundaries, like I just want them to be happy, or I just want them to tell me I'm okay, or something like this. If we try one time, try something small, say no to something, and see what happens. Don't pick up the phone once. or talk a little bit less, or as soon as you feel like, let's say you're on the phone and you feel like maybe you want to get off the phone and in the past you would have stayed on in order to continue that conversation. See if you can Get yourself to get off. When you have that feeling. For someone like myself, and I'm sure I'm not alone, it's a little bit new and scary to stand up for myself. There's always like this subtle thing. I'm hoping that somebody else will stick up for me or I'm hoping that I can be in in good. good standing with the people around me. That feeling is always there. But to actually stand up for my own self and you can use your own needs, your own body needs, your time needs, and your own responsibilities as a good place to start. No, I'm sorry. I won't be able to make it. I'm working that day. No, I know. I know. I've been, I know. I've always, uh, you know, able to do that, but I'm, I can't do it this time. I have a family obligation that week. You know, can somebody else do it? Unapologetic, just matter of fact, even practice in the mirror. Just be matter of fact, just say, no, thank you. This is a big deal. Um, this is really a big deal because the emotional state that I used to be in was very powerful. We kind of make everyone else more powerful than ourselves and that's not necessary. If I can begin to try setting one boundary with no apologies, no apologies, you're going to open the door to feeling some, this kind of self respect. It's kind of like I'm taking care of myself rather than thinking somebody else is going to take care of me. It's subtle and maybe on the surface I'm thinking, Oh, I know I can take care of myself. But if you're like me and you have these kind of boundary list behaviors. This being able to say no and not without apology is a very big deal. So think about it this week. See if there's some area where you can maybe say no or maybe pull back and talk less or get off the phone or listen to your body needs or something like that. See if you can do it. Try it once, no apologies and see what happens and see if you can feel what I'm talking about. See if you can feel that little seed of self respect. and dignity and the possibility of you actually caring for yourself and standing up for yourself. So I'll leave it there for today. And remember that our slogan is heal, empower, and serve and serve because as I learn about myself and I go under the surface and I'm looking at these patterns and I'm beginning to change them. the whole world actually, but certainly the people close to me and everyone benefits. So until next time, take care. You
